Today I reflected on the last 364 days: the lessons I’ve learned, mistakes I’ve made, what I have accomplished with the Lord versus the mess I made when I did things my way, reviewing my habits (both healthy & unhealthy), etc.

I wanted to share with you portions of my 2016 journey.

It hasn’t been a pretty journey. It was riddled with mistakes. I have been very clumsy at times, fumbling through tough moments. I’ve been very emotional- there were a lot of ugly crying moments, snot dripping down my nose to the creases of my mouth. I have been reckless and even irresponsible, yet here I am. Here I stand. I am alive and moving forward, a true testament of God’s grace and long suffering toward His imperfect child.

1. Entrepreneur struggles: Starting Red Sea Preparatory was a massive undertaking in every way! I know RSP is God’s vision and not my own. For starters:
   • I am not the most confident individual. In fact, I lack a surprising amount of esteem for myself and even battle with issues of self-hate. The idea of being in front of a camera every week teaching people I may or may not know was terrifying! Cameras don’t always capture your best angle, and supposedly adds weight to your face. This made me very uncomfortable, but “His grace is sufficient,” (2 Cor. 12:9). Not only was I given the strength and courage to proceed, but the Holy Spirit is in the process of shedding those issues. It’s a tough progression, but very necessary.
   • Secondly, it was a huge financial undertaking, giving everything I have, and I AIN’T (yes ain’t) got a whole lot. My name is not, nor has it ever been, King Midas, Bill Gates, Beyonce, Oprah, or Mark Zuckerberg. I chose to make financial sacrifices because I knew God would provide every need. I am not saying they were choices that came easily. I hesitated at times, but I moved forward without knowing the who, what, when, and where (activated my faith). Real Story: I needed money to cover expenses for the launch party and other costs. Final pay dates were quickly approaching. I didn’t have it, or anything close to it. I had my own personal bills and now Red Sea Prep expenses. I laid across my bed and sobbed wondering how I would manage. Tamela Mann’s ‘God Provides ‘played and I was encouraged. I prayed to the Father about it, encouraged myself in the Word (Matt. 31-34; 7:7-11), and expected Him to provide some way, some how. Received a check in the mail that week for a little over $1000. No Lie! It was a late state tax refund check in August. Nothing but God! He continues to prove Himself! Yes, I have had to give up some things- I haven’t went shopping or wined & dined myself for a LONG while, but it is worth it! I am fulfilled in my obedience.
   • Not everyone will understand what God requires of you. Family and friends might not understand and people have not caught on liked I hoped, but that is okay. I have what I need, and God continues to provide team members that believe in the RSP mission. People are praying for RSP’s success. Prayers go a long way! This is only the start. I am determined to stay faithful to God, and committed the vision He entrusted to me. Humble beginnings are just that-Beginnings!
2. Relationship mistakes! I had an ex that was an ugly pimple that would pop up on the scene every now and then.                                                                                       I didn’t tend to this acne problem like I should have. I entertained him, and that was a mistake. This year I felt alone often. I never knew leadership came with a sense of loneliness. When you’re tired, vulnerable, and FEELING alone (as God’s child you are never alone-Matt. 28:20b), it is imperative that you do not entertain mess! Well I did, and ended up feeling more alone and less qualified to fulfill the tasks that lay ahead of me. I needed the Lord, and sin causes alienation from Him. I needed to draw closer to the Father, not further away.
   • Additionally, it’s hard for me to forgive myself. God doesn’t want us to walk in condemnation. “There is therefore now no condemnation for them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit (Romans 8:1).” But sometimes it’s easier to tell others of His grace, than to accept His grace and apply it to our own lives- at least for me. Entertaining Him didn’t help me in this area whatsoever.
3. My friendships have changed. They are not the same, neither will they be. It’s hard letting go of some relationships, but it is necessary for growth in you and them. They were for a specific time, and allowed for a specific purpose. That time has expired and that purpose was accomplished. That’s a HARD pill to swallow, but a needed pill for our well being. Still stings though, but “He will keep you in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him.” However, for every loss, there is a gain! Some relationships have been rekindled and some renewed. Not all have diminished.
4. The final thing I would share is the identity crisis I experienced. Seems a bit dramatic, but it’s true! I faced an identity crisis. In 2016 God was asking what seemed like a lot- I started a new business which was and still is a huge undertaking. Simultaneously, I made terrible mistakes that ate me up inside. These mistakes revealed I had pride issues. I was an uppity believer that thought I was above the temptation of some sin- impregnable to its enticement and immune to its appeal, but 1 Corinthians 10:12 tells us “Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.” And I fell. Oh, how the mighty fall!

Regarding my idea of my identity, I thought I would continue to be the quiet, reliable young lady who always says yes. I have always been a non-confrontational people pleaser, obsessed with perfection, steady, and predictable…. but I can’t be that person anymore. What God was requiring of me to accomplish demands courage, persistence, aggressiveness, fierceness, less timidity, more spirit, and a different type of boldness. That ain’t me at all! I’m sure Moses felt the same way while hearing the Lord speak to Him through a burning bush. Who am I now? I still don’t know, but what I do know is He is perfecting me. I am not in charge of my transformation. I must entrust God with my spiritual growth. My identity is in Him, not within myself, or people’s idea of who I am or who I should be. I might not be liked as much by others, but that’s okay. I am learning the value of being who God intends me to be, and growing into that person. It’s more rewarding and there is much more peace and freedom in that identity.

This year has been a topography filled with the most random landscapes; high mountain peaks and low valleys, plains and hills, patches of lilies and rose bushes, rugged peaks and smooth plateaus, thunderous waterfalls, quiet streams, and mysterious lagoons. Whatever the challenges I faced, one thing has been consistent: His love. He has been there for me-always present. When I hesitated, His love reassured me. When I felt alone, He held me. When I thought my mistakes would leave me abandoned, His love met me there in my despair. Who knew I could experience Him in such a way? He did! He orchestrates it all. He is the Master Architect, building our lives in such a way that He would receive the glory.

2016 has taught me a lot. School of hard knocks indeed! These lessons are profitable for His service, becoming an even more effective, passionate, compassionate, and merciful disciple of Jesus Christ. I have no regrets even with my mistakes. I thank God for the hard stuff. I look forward to His continued transformation process within me. Greater heights and depths in Him!

In 2017, continue to trust in the Lord. If you don’t trust Him, start to. I know I will! Who else can handle the complexities of me (and you)? No one!